Social media

I was awoken by this little girl whom is my daughter. Poor little girl is so sick. It was 4 am and I waited to hear if she would continue coughing or not. Luckily, she settled herself and went back to sleep. Such a helpless feeling. You wish you could help her feel better but this virus just needs to work  itself through then she will be back to help bubbly self. Let’s hope she feels better this morning when she finally awakes to start her day. 

I have removed myself from Facebook again. For my sanity. I find it is full of triggers and sadness for myself. It’s been a week of quietness. The only social media I love is Instagram. While that too, has some triggers, it’s still way better than FB. I found people waiting to adopt…wishing, hoping, praying from all over US and Canada.  I was that person as well. It’s such a blessing to have people encourage and want to help you stay focused while on that journey. We were ready to throw in the towel too. But when all hope seemed to be lost, we received the call. If you know someone waiting to be a mom, lend a supportive ear or encouraging words. They just might be in that rut when you say them. 

Lift people up when you are feeling down. Send that quick text message or email. Let them know you care. This adoption journey is another test of will and strength and nobody should have to do it on their own. To those new ladies I connected with on IG, you can and will succeed at being a mom. It ain’t easy, but it’s worth it. ❤️

Fight.

I’ve fought for everything I have. I endured a lot of pain growing up. I have realized not everyone will be on the same page as yourself or can see your point. The point of blogging is to speak freely with no censorship. That’s what I do. 

I’ve been to counselling for depression, for the loss of my father along with other losses as well. I’ve been on anti depressants. I’ve worked out to ease stress. The best thing for me is to blog. The feelings come out my fingertips and that’s that. 

Does everyone have to like my blog? Nope. Do I have to like other people’s blogs? Nope. That’s the name of the blogging thing. It’s a place to express feelings instead of letting them build and build and build. I will not let people tell me what I should do. 

Instead of living my life being miserable and closed up, this is my outlet. 

Thoughts.

Sunday July 10, 2016. Today is the 6 month anniversary of my fathers death and was reminded of it on Facebook. My normally quiet brother posted a status. 

I definitely miss my father. I miss his voice, his laugh and just the way he handled things. He was and is an amazing man. I wish things were different but sadly here we are. 

Things have been rough lately. Some you read in my last post. I’m a bit angry and a bit bitter. Things have progressed a little. My daughter is sick and her potty training which was at 90% is slipping backwards. It’s hard. I spent so many days and hours with her encouraging and doing potty dances that this slippage is hard to deal with. Hubby took her to the doctor today. I hope there is a reason for her accidents and it’s not “just because”. Hopefully she will be feeling better and back to her peppy, eager to please self. One can hope.

We have had great support from most of the family members, it’s been great. Finally got to have a night out just for us. It was odd but nice to have that time to reconnect over dinner and not have to worry about her. One part of our family has made zero effort to meet her. I’m angry. It’s been since April. They claim they have no time yet they booked a vacation to Mexico and post on Facebook about all the adventures they had with no mention of meeting their niece. I’m not going to lie, it stings. One would think if you had a new family member that you would make an effort? Apparently not. We were there for them when she called us upset because of their marriage difficulties. We were there numerous times and talked her through things. She spilled the beans and i don’t think her other half knows, we know. 

All in all, I want more effort and more happiness in my life. 

Today. And forever.

Over the last month or so I’ve been trying to come to terms with my “circle” and my new life with my daughter. While my circle has most definitely changed, some for the better, some not, it still remains a circle. 

I’m not going to lie. Motherhood is hard and a trying adventure. I’ve had some doozy of days. Some days I honestly wanted to throw my hands in the air and wave a white flag. I’m 38 years old and how ever I thought I was prepared for this, I was clearly not. My days have been a complete roller coaster. Learning her habits and breaking the ones she’s pre-learned is hard. Bursting into tears with frustration and finally making that call for relief. What I keep hearing…”she’s only 2. ” Yes, you are correct but I refuse to raise an asshole child. I refuse to let her run wild and be disobediently disrespectful. I however, will give her a rope to explore, learn new things and create structure. There will be rules. 

“Kids will be kids”, “choose your battles” another two of my favourite quotes. *insert eye roll*  I choose to pick my battles every day. Some days are better than others. Some days there are no issues. But some there are battles of the minds. She’s headstrong, and I refuse to let a 2 year old win that battle. 

She’s done remarkably well from being here. She’s almost completely potty trained. Yes, “she’s only 2” but she knew what was going on, so it’s not like she was oblivious. Her speech has grown ten fold as well. So we must be doing something right. 

What people on the outside world need to realize is she’s not a “normal” child. She didn’t have a “clean” time in utero. Her mother was a user. Of probably a lot more things that we heard about. She’s not an easy child at times so we can’t be typical parents and use the typical parenting styles. We have to find what works for us and would like to not be judged for it. 

She’s a strong willed little girl, so let me make her blossom into a strong, independent little lady. Just be my friend, be supportive of how I’m doing and let me know that. This world is full of judgement and gossip and being a mother can sometimes make you very lonely.

http://www.scarymommy.com/parents-really-need/?utm_source=FB

Mother’s Day.

Time for an update! It’s been a month since I last wrote a blurb about our life. 

As I’m sitting here, I’m looking at my daughter. Yes, MY daughter. A feisty, charismatic, strong willed little girl. She has a loud boisterous voice and always has something to say. From her farm life foster home, to a city life in a townhouse…she’s done well. We go on walks, the park, playgroups and wherever we can burn off some energy. Even though I’m exhausted, I can not imagine my life without the chaos. I’ve stood on mega blocks, tripped over toys and cleaned up her everlasting mess. 

As Mother’s Day approaches, for the first time, I don’t feel the “dread”coming. I mean, I feel okay about it but it will never be easy. I was robbed of biological children. My body failed me. Time and time again. Would I love a bio child? Yes. But I would never change the decision to adopt. She gives me to opportunity to be a mother. The opportunity to teach her what life is about…what is right and what is wrong. The opportunity for this little girl to belong, to be loved and to be cared for like she needs to be. 

To all the mothers grieving this Mother’s Day…I feel your pain. I understand the feelings of being helpless and to have that ache in your heart that never goes away. For you still struggling or dealing with losses….you are amazing, strong and hopeful. Sending you all a huge hug this Sunday. Get off social media, treat yourself to something nice. You are worthy of being happy. 

Spring

Well today is April 3… and its been awhile since I update this blog of mine. A lot has happened in a short while. Its been crazy and a lot to take in. So here goes 🙂

First of all, we decided to go forth with a donor cycle then we backed out. Reasons for not going ahead were pretty much a uncertain result and with spending all that money…..around 20,000, we just couldn’t risk it. Its not that I do not want a baby as I sure the heck do, its the emotional coaster that my heart could not muster up to do again. Its a personal decision, and while everyone will always have an opinion, its solely mine. I struggle with this decision every day and most likely will for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, I can live with the fact that I gave ivf 3 chances to work for us and ultimately it failed us. My body failed us. Science failed us but it wont make miracles out of broken bodies. I wish I knew why I couldn’t carry, why I couldn’t do this on my own, and why I was chosen to be one of the broken ones. But alas, it must have come down to shitty eggs or the fact I cant carry a child in my womb, ever. If I knew this from the beginning, I would of gone straight to donor eggs off the bat but I was told I’m unexplained and he would get me pregnant….well he did but I lasted a short almost 7 weeks. I also wish my RE had compassion and would of contacted us after we told the nurse we could not do this any longer. He was always so supportive but I guess, its still just a business to him. And we are just a client number.

On another note, life has been a bit exciting. It has been a rough year as explained in earlier posts. I am still slowly dealing with my fathers passing. It will never be easy and this tears still randomly leak down my face especially when I’m driving. That’s been the most leakable place ever. Its weird getting used to this new kind of normal. I don’t care for it much.

We ventured out to the RV show a few months ago. We’ve talked about buying a bigger rv due to the fact of our huge dog and the lack of storage. Well that day, after doing a lot of research on rvs, we finally decided to treat ourselves. It was a very generous treat, but now we have room for extra people to come with us and we have lots of storage.

And now for the exciting news! We were contacted over a month ago or so, I think it was late February……about a child. We were proposed a little girl who is 22 months old. Blond haired, brown eyed, little active person. She had a rough start to her life, I’m not going to lie. Her mother made poor choices with her lifestyle and this little one came into the world early, a month early. But we are ultimately grateful she decided to let her little girl find a forever family. Someone to love and dote on her forever. And that was us. We are pretty pumped about this, even though I’m going to be on a complete whirlwind of emotions for a long time. We can not believe it is finally our turn. Life will never be the same. And we are pretty damn excited about it.

So in saying all this, we have been preparing and I have literally been thanking my father, who in no doubt of my mind, had his hand in this. He was looking out for his daughter and thought that he would help out her grief by filling her heart full with hope, excitement and love.

There is no doubt that we love this little girl so much already. We meet her in a couple weeks and I can not wait to see her little face and wait for that moment when she calls me mommy. *insert more leaky eyes here*

So this year will be filled with crazy chaos, new camping adventures, funny moments, sad moments and sometimes hair pulling out moments but it will be all worth it. We’ve been waiting for this moment in the journey of adoption, for three years. And this moment is finally ours.

 

 

 

Outlook.

So I made it through my first and second counseling session. I walked through the doors, sat down and immediately turned into a sobbing mess. I’ve never let myself go, raw and unfiltered. This complete stranger heard the story of my life, from the very first days dealing with a disability, to the amount of loss I’ve experienced throughout the years. From classmates, to family, to a coworker, to my father and then my inability to have biological children. Maybe I just needed that person who didn’t know me, to hear my story. It is a story of a young woman who has continually fought to fulfill her life with happiness while battling challenge after challenge. I have never been one to give up and throw in the towel. Til now.

I have suffered from infertility for almost 5 years, that I know of. I had no idea I was infertile. I was too busy trying to prevent it by taking the birth control pill to realize there wasn’t any real point in taking those little pills everyday. Had I known, maybe life would of been different. I wouldn’t of wasted 4-5 years on trying multiple treatments at the clinic, putting numerous drugs into my body (orally and subcutaneously) to stimulate what would never of amounted to a baby growing inside me. I don’t regret fighting for my ability to have a child but I do regret wasting years of my life being unhappy… fighting a battle, I wouldn’t beat. There was a decision to be made. Donor eggs. That is and was my only option. I spent days looking at those donor profiles. And then I decided to do a whole lot of soul searching. I am not going to lie, I am completely devastated that I will never experience what everyone else does but I need to take care of myself. I sat in the counselors office and she described I needed to start my healing by dealing with one issue at a time. Put my infertility/loss in one box and my father in another box but only open one box at a time. I am not ready at all to deal with my fathers passing but I know each day that passes and each random time I start to cry, I know that box will be fully open too. But for now, that infertility box was pried open.

I had some meds and supplies from my last ivf that failed. I first started by cleaning those up and putting them in the cupboard. My excess meds, I am giving to an other IF warrior who could use them for her cycle. I felt better not seeing them every day knowing that they didn’t work for me. Then I spent days milling over decisions whether to pull the plug or to find the $18,000 to do the donor cycle. Then it hit me. I am 38 years old, I have been fighting for too long. My body is exhausted, my mind is, and my heart is. So that was it. We’ve discussed this over and over and over. I had a follow up appointment booked for February 23. I cancelled that and explained that I could not endure any more. They said they understood that this journey is just very overwhelming and if we needed anything, don’t hesitate to contact them again. As hard as it is, I feel like an enormous amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders. I’m finally feeling better. It is not easy, and never will be. My infertility will always be a part of my but I can now choose to not let it consume my life and cause stress on my marriage.

On to new adventures, new memories and hopefully we will find ourselves a little one by adoption. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute…..I can do this.

 

 

Sadness.

Today is my 38th birthday. As in every birthday, I eagerly awaited my early morning phone call from my father. It was the classic short but sweet phone call but it was something I enjoyed. Sadly, no phone call came. It’s hard to believe he’s gone. I don’t think I’ve grieved his passing but today hit me really hard. It will be like this for every special occasion. One piece will always be missing. 

I’ve taken the initiative and contacted my works extended support they offer. With all the loss I’ve had in my 38 years of life, I sure have a lot of baggage. I try so damn hard to be strong but sometimes these walls need to break down and I need help. Today I saw my GP, and had a bit of a cry. I’m frustrated and at a loss of what to do. I don’t sleep well at night, I’m up at least three times a night, my foot still hurts after seeing a specific podiatrist since October, and I’m just so emotionally exhausted. 

It’s  been 5 weeks of no Facebook and I feel good about it. No triggers, no constant reminders and no irritating people making 18 posts a day. Maybe one day I’ll go back, maybe not. 

I start my grief counselling tomorrow and I recieved my grief package from work. One day, one session at a time I suppose. 

Next week is our appointment with the fertility clinic. I’m pissed off. If my eggs weren’t good, why did I go through almost 3 rounds of ivf with two losses and nothing came of it but a traumatizing experience?  I hate that my body and modern day science has failed me. I hate that basically my only option is buying eggs from a donor to possibly carry my own child. Yes, it’s only money. Yes, people will always have an opinion. And yes, ultimately only you know how much you can take. 

Right now, I can’t even think about life except for minute by minute. I feel lonely, empty, angry and just so freaking exhausted. 

daffodils.

Chelsea always has such uplifting blog posts. She’s pretty amazing. Have a read. ❤️

Source: daffodils.

Seriously, what’s next?!

Here I sit just over 2 weeks since my fathers funeral. I’m not going to lie, it was a beautiful celebration for someone who meant the world to me and obviously brightened so many other people’s lives. The place was packed, many familiar faces from my past, my siblings past and my families past. We are grateful to those who took the time to join us. It truly meant a lot.

The day after the funeral I was scheduled for bloodwork and an ultrasound with the clinic for my ivf. I walked in the clinic feeling shaky but good. I went in or my bloodwork and it was the nurse who has issues last time. And once again, she couldn’t find my vein. I was quickly escorted into the ultrasound to see my progress. I said to Dr. Y, give me some good news! He smiled in his normal fashion and put the internal ultrasound in. He moved it around but started at the left side. He measures one big follicle around 14 and then searches for more, then moves on to the right. “I’m afraid I don’t have good news”, “you only have one follicle. ” My heart sunk. I knew what this meant. He said, ” the honest truth is that I don’t think we should continue this, there’s not much point”. My eyes started to well up. The point in your life where you think things have to go up from here actually didn’t go the way you expected. Dr Y turns and says, “your only option left to have a family, and I know you both want one, is donor eggs”. I look at him and ask the price. $18,000. “But I’m talking to the US egg bank today to try to lower the prices with the crummy dollar, I’ll call you guys when I know”.  Walking out of the exam room, I whisper to the nurse, “I just lost my father and now this”. 

I quickly got changed and Tyler and I rushed out of the clinic and just wept. Ever see your husband cry? It was another one of the hardest days of our life. Why must we continue to struggle? It fucking sucks. I immediately send out a text to a few of the IF ladies and my mom. What a helpless feeling. On the way home I look up the US donor bank, I scroll through the profiles. It’s the weirdest feeling ever, sort of like you are searching for a date online. Well I guess it is a date but in a weird way. You pay for their service? Anyways, it’s a whole new world out there. I’m not sure what is next. I had a generous offer by someone who is possibly persuing a third cycle with retrieval. She offered her extra eggs to us that she wouldn’t be using. It’s food  for thought.

On another note, the adoption thing hasn’t worked either. It will be three years this year in the process. It’s a battle that we feel we won’t win in. If we wanted an older child, we would of had a placement. But since we want a baby/toddler then it seems a bit of a pipe dream. 

Please 2016, it can only go up from here. No more bullshit, just happy positive news from now on….and let the weather get better so I can go camping and decompress surrounded by nature. Please let me find some clarity in deciding if all of this heartache is worth it.